186: Cyber Infidelity with Dr. Peter Kanaris

Infidelity looks a lot more complicated in the cyber world. Dr. Peter Kanaris joins me to unravel what constitutes cyber infidelity, the recovery approaches involved, and ways to rebuild trust.

Relationships in the Digital Age
Dr. Kanaris views the digital age as a “relationship accelerator” wherein the connections are made just as fast as they are broken. The digital age expedites and exposes every part of life that would otherwise be revealed slowly.

What is cyber infidelity?
Dr. Kanaris says that all infidelity in today’s age is cyber infidelity, as contact through technology is inevitable in the relationship in today’s age. Infidelity looks different in the 21st century than it did before. He calls it AAAP – Accessibility, Affordability, Anonymity, Portability. Technology has made it easier to seek infidelity without actively looking for it.

I and i-infidelity
Capital I-infidelity is violating agreements partners have about what they find acceptable to do or watch, such as electronic or face-to-face involvement, , sex, involvement of feelings, etc. Lower case i-infidelity is when involvement with technology takes over your priorities and responsibilities towards your partner but not necessarily anything sexual. Dr. Kanaris advises partners to have an honest conversation about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in the relationship.

I-Infidelity and sex addiction
Sex addictions are not scientifically accepted in the professional world as they are popular in the media. Instead, Dr. Kanaris works with the model of ‘out of control sexual behaviors’ to help someone be in charge of their sexual wellness. However, for someone who chooses to cheat, he suggests a psychological approach to determine the underlying cause.

What to do once you see the red flags?
When you see red flags like catching your partner watching or sexting somebody else, Dr. Kanaris suggests having an open yet non-accusato